It doesnt need any title..

oh my god ! so much going inside me!!
i just dont know what to say what not to do how to behave and how to avoid.. things are sooooo complicated!
why the hell do i think so much. i m just a normal girl whose mind cant afford to think all this much.. i should better find something to do else its gonna kill me for sure!!

Hopes Hopes and Hopes...

Funny it seems! I should not be having any hope, my mind says ITS OVER DAMMIT! But my heart is still struggling to agree with the mind. Why do i have hope! Why my heart is just so stupid that it doesnt even understand the meaning of ITS OVER! Well, first time ever, i saw the fight between the two organs of my body which i have only seen in movies and read in novels. Interesting !! But damn hurting! I want my mind to win but somewhere i want to take the heart's side.
           Sometimes it becomes just too hard to let go! I have always been unlucky with love and now i have made a decision in my mind that i am not gonna get emotional with anybody. I find people very fake!! sometimes i wonder, is there anything called true love even exists!! I guess not for me!
         Some times dreams are made to crash, some times souls are made to be alone, i dont know why me! May be because of some sin that i must have committed in my last birth.
        The world seems so normal, so  casual but somewhere I am alone inside, still waiting for the same person, hoping the things to be fine again............but its god will! He left, and i need to believe this, no matter how hard my hearts shout but sometimes letting go is the only option we are left with............

Running away is not the best option.......

Today i stand in a place where talking about him with anybody hurts like hell. I do not want anybody to ask me about 'how is he doing' 'whats up with him' etc etc.
People who know him do not know how badly I am hurt. And thats the reason I am trying to avoid meeting people. Its not the best way i guess! I should not run away from it, i need to face it. I am too jealous of the girl he is with, but thats the ultimate truth. He does not like me!! Why the hell i am running away from all those things which were once the sweetest and full of love. The things which used to make me smile have all of a sudden turned into the most pinching and heart breaking things. I am trying to run away from all these but when am i going to stop! The memories which i never wanted to forget are now the first priority for me to delete if i get an option to remove something from my life. All I can do is to ask myself.. Why me????? Thats a common question i know, but it becomes very meaningful when u are the one suffering from it..
I am being too stupid but hey.. its not easy to forget things specially when they were the most beautiful part of your life.
I learnt that we should not run away from fears, instead we should face them. But what about the memories you are afraid of and if u face them they will only hurt you and you can never overcome them??

Do not Run away from what you don't want to know..........

"If you do not believe, the truth will not change"
I always ran away from truth, i never wanted to know that he likes me only as a friend.. I was in my own world where he was the prince and i was the princess, the thought that triggered my imagination was that he is single.. I was so full of hopes and dreams that it was almost next to impossible for me to believe that all my dreams could crash some day.
I guess he had an idea of what i feel for him, but i never let it become obvious! We both had some ego issues (every adult has!) I never wanted to hear from him that he likes some other girl, and so I never asked him what was he up to. I was happy the way things were moving, and according to my theory, i will win his heart someday (just like those goddamn movies!) we both were happy about our bond (AS FRIENDS).
There came a day, when i wanted to know if he likes me, and i was also sure he wants to ask the same. And so, using an engineer's mind i gave an answer which confused him. It was "I have the same feelings for u like u have for me".. so if its a yes, i have yes, and if its a no, then no issues at all ! (most importantly my ego will not be hurt).
This question started with a simple sentence but lead to a long discussion, in the end his statements were- "see..we are good as friends but please do not ever think of me as something more, i am not a good guy and if we get into a relation then we will break up every single day!"
This somewhere broke me........But i still continued to be his friend, not leaving the hope of having him some day.....................................the some day which never came..........

4 years long friendship.............

We were online friends......but it was nothing as good as talking to him.. we used to chat for hours and hours, i figured out a certain character points about him, he was very fun loving, flirty and intelligent guy.... I had no issues  with any of his features, infact i used to enjoy joking with him. We used to fight like kids (calling funny names specially what we used to call earlier)....I was 18 and he was 19 then..
Then there came a time when we met in person for the first time (as friends!)..........it was just amazing....
With time, we eventually became open to each other.. sharing thoughts, laughs and what not !
His even a little effort was enough to make me like him even more..
but i did not know this happiness is not forever!

Dreams, Hopes and Faith..............

After he moved on to other city for higher studies, I lost all the hopes of  getting to know him. He did not even have the slightest idea of what I have for him..

Time passed away. day by day.. month by month.. year by year.. I was admitted to a very good college of my city. All i could do is to check what he is up to in one of the social networking site, there was no point sending him an add request because he did not remember me! This became frequent day by day... But i still had no hope of getting to know him personally.. But i got alot to know about him, i found out that he is an year older than me, the college he is in presently, his main subject for bachelors etc etc....

One day while going through his profile, i found out his personal email address. That was the spark i think i was waiting for........I sent a request to to him.. And opposite to my expectations.. he added me! And the biggest surprise was ..he remembered me!

He didnot know my name but he definitely remembered what we use to call each other when we were kids!! I was like.. the happiest person on earth................................ He told me the time he usually comes online.. And i had a belief that he enjoys talking to me..........

We eventually became very good friends.....................I always waited for him to come online and chat.. It was the time I hardly used to miss no matter how busy I was. But..

The things were not the same on his side.... He used to chat whenever he is free, and has time for me.. 

Sometimes life is just too good..

Everybody of us have a secret reason to be happy, may be its money, may be the feeling of superiority or may be a Guy..............
Yes! In my case it was a guy, who happened to be my neighbor (I wish it didn't happen) . I clearly remember, I was 16 then.(I know, a guy is a very common reason for a girl to be happy AT THIS AGE!). Don't know why but he always caught my attention. He was not super hot or something, but definitely eye catchy for me! I used to rush to the terrace just to catch a glance of him..................
My heart used to start pounding like crazy when he even looked at me for a fraction of second!! Well, i did not know who he was, what his age is, in fact not even his actual name!!!!! The people of his building used to call him by his pet name..
It was summers, which was my most favourite  not because we have school off but because the children of my neighboring building will play and i will get a chance to see him! (I know thats crazy)
Our boundary walls were attached and so they often used to cross it and come to our side to get the stuff which accidentally fell from their place or may be to just tease us!
Me and that guy argued many times for silly stuff (kid fight u know!) They used to tease us from their side and so do we.....i must admit..we both used to enjoy that a lot........................
And i still regret for this!! Why did i even see him...........sometimes I just hate why life gives me dreams if they were never meant to come true...............................